Woman wonders how to stop overly social friend from inserting herself into every plan she makes with other people: ‘Sometimes she’ll even message the other person directly or show up after getting the details from me’

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 21, 2026 4:00 PM EDT

The unavoidable friend

I don't think this is a matter of how social this friend is, really. I know that's a plausible theory, but some attitudes point to other underlying reasons for this friend's intrusiveness. Some people can't see the difference between not being invited to everything and being rejected as a person. Paradoxically, if you truly were being rejected, showing up at every place where you're unwelcome would make it even worse, so the abandonment-anxiety is clouding up the thought processes going on there. That said, I think there are many ways to deal with this issue, and not all of them involve cutting the friend off. Is it possible that cutting everyone who slightly annoys you off is becoming a massive trend?

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  • two woman hugging while another one watches
    via Frankie Cordoba

    Two friends and the unavoidable one

    Subjects are models 

  • How do I stop my friend from inserting herself into all my plans?

    I have a friend I've known for a few years, and lately I've noticed that whenever I mention plans with someone else, she immediately tries to include herself.
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  • For example, if I say I'm getting coffee with a coworker, she'll say, "Oh, I'm free too, where are you going?" If I mention dinner with another friend, she'll
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  • ask what time and act as though she is already invited. Sometimes she'll even message the other person directly or show up after getting the details from me.
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  • At first, I didn't mind because I thought she was just being social. But it has started happening almost every time. I feel like I can't
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  • casually talk about my plans around her without having to either include her or make an excuse.
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  • The problem is that not every plan is meant to be a group plan. Sometimes I want to spend time one- on-one with someone,
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  • especially if we haven't. caught up in a while or need to discuss something personal. When she joins,
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  • the entire dynamic changes and I often don't get the conversation or time I originally wanted. A few weeks ago, I told her
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  • I was meeting an old college friend who was visiting town. She immediately said she would come too. I tried to explain that we hadn't
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  • two women talking
    via Christina @ wocintechchat.com M

    The woman trying to draw some boundaries during a conversation

    Image shown for illustrative purposes; does not depict actual events

     



     

  • seen each other in years and wanted to catch up privately, but she became quiet and said, “It's fine, I know when I'm not wanted."
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  • Since then, she has made small comments about being excluded whenever I do anything without her. She also sometimes says things like, "You never
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  • invite me anywhere anymore," even though I still make separate plans with her regularly. I don't want to hurt her or
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  • make her feel like I'm embarrassed by her. I genuinely value the friendship. But I also feel increasingly resentful
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  • because I don't think I should have to include one person in every part of my social life. Pleaseeeeee help! What should I do?
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  • woman covering her face with her hands
    via Valeriia Miller

    The frustrated friend wondering what to do

    Person depicted is a model used for illustrative purposes

  • Top-Crab-1020 I have a friend like this, good luck. But if I'm being serious I just stopped telling her when I'm hanging out with other people and let her feelings get hurt when she eventually finds out. Not much else I can do.
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  • thefreecontestent Options here are either be honest with her that mentioning plans you have with someone else to her is not an invitation and that you will let her know explicitly if you want her to join, or if you don't want a direct confrontation, just don't discuss plans with her.
    via CompetitiveEnd1711
  • justagarliccrouton Be up front, hey it makes me uncomfortable when you insert yourself into my plans, I love you and I want to spend time with you intentionally.
    via CompetitiveEnd1711

  • You can always avoid telling a friend like this what you’re doing, and voilà, she wouldn’t find a way to be included in something she doesn’t know about, or you could also sit with her and try to explain that you wanting to see other people in private doesn’t mean anything about her, and then draw some boundaries in the relationship. I know this sounds silly, but I think we all have flaws and need some patience with certain attitudes we display. That’s not to say this friend should tolerate everything, but maybe she could give her a chance! I do have a tendency to give out too many chances, though. Do you think this attitude is necessarily a deal breaker?

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friendship friends toxic relationship
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